You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
