i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How external is "for external use only"?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
