I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
