who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
