Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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