Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
