Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
