We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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