it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize