I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
