How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
