Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
