Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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