Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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