every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
