She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
my liver is dry heaving
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
