someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
