I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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