I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
