I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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