Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
