just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
