dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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