i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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