They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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