so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
