I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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