is your mom at the bar?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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