don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
