there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
