I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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