Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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