My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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