Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
