Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
