You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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