I could make wine with my vomit
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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