If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
