but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Send help, water and tortillas.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
