Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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