dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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