if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
