I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
