The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
