I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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