Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
