He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
