Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
