3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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