i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
