so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
