If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
