Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
